I got some kind of disappointing news today- of which I won't bore my readers with the details. Suffice to say that it's not about my health, or finances, or job... but a matter of a boy.
I came home from an uncomfortable, awkward confrontation... ate half a pint of ice cream and felt terribly sorry for myself. (ok - to be honest I dont' even know what a "pint" is- but it's the size the women in all of those chick lit books seem to devour after a bad experience... and so I ate ice cream and if it wasn't a full pint- that was the sentiment).
I then laid in bed staring at my ceiling for an hour trying to figure out how I was so stupid as to read a situation so wrong? I tried to meditate and find calm in nothingness.
After which I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and go for a run.
The reason I'd tried the whole "meditation" thing is that I just read that stupid (sorry Gary) book "eat pray love" and have begun thinking about the merits of meditation. I've been thinking perhaps I should try it in order to find some sort of enlightenment. Achieve some type of balance. Maybe it's something I needed to explore, to give my life more meaning beyond a great pair of shoes (even though I bought a KILLER pair this weekend). If I did something like meditate maybe I could be better prepared to deal with life's crush(ing) rejections. After all, in the "cosmos" of life- surely one little crush doesn't mean anything does it?? Everyone who meditates seems so peaceful...
But instead of sitting down and zoning out, I ran.
I put on my seen better days running shoes, my old old shorts (I wasn't sure if they would still fit) and set my nano to the song "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis. And I ran.
As I pounded the pavement I could feel my muscles bunching, hear my laboured breathing and slowly feel the anxiety & tension leave my body. And I kept running.
It was dark, but that spurned me on to go faster, and the cooler temperatures made me feel more alive. I realized that my running was my meditation.
From what I've read, meditation is paying attention to your breathing and focusing your thoughts (usually on a mantra).
When I run I practice rhythm breathing (tip from CHS) so I don't stitch up. My mind doesn't wander, as I focus on positive visual thinking- and I usually have my own mantras, depending on what I'm focusing on.
I felt so powerful as I ran, strong and fast. It was a great feeling to experience on the heels of a let down. A feeling that I was in control of, and one that I was the genesis of.
I listened, unapologetically, to that song about unrequited love, and remembered that my situation really is one of a million in which there have been countless songs and stories. And I will likely go on to create more stories in a similar vein. And I will continue to run.
I must remember that the next time I want to meditate.
(this picture has nothing to do with running... but it's a fun memory from Peru- when we went on an "Indiana Jones hike" - to a waterfall that was cold, refreshing and wonderful. And the flowers are from a botanical garden we visited that same day)