Sunday, March 08, 2009

Apartment Hunting in New York City

scene: downtown new york apartment, a girl and a guy are standing in the kitchen/foyer of a slightly run down but moderately clean typical apartment.

me: Hello- I'm Sarah. I'm here to look at the apartment (trying to appear friendly and likeable to this potential roommate met 5 seconds earlier)

him: hi there. Come in. Let's tour around.

me: Bedroom. nice. Living room. Ok. Bathroom- Hey what's the water pressure like in the shower?

him: Its good. But if you really want to know- you could always jump in and find out if you'd like. *grins and raises eyebrows*

me: ok bye.


camera opens on a different new york apartment with a different guy- same girl.

him:'s the bedroom- look there's exposed brick. It's really 'new york'

me: the room seems... kind of small for $1500...
(it fits the bed- and that's it. you have to crawl over the bed to get to the window to open the curtain)

him: Look (pointing excitedly) exposed brick!

me: And there's no closet...

him: but we have exposed brick??? (truly confused as to why girl is not jumping up and down)

me: (changing the subject) So...are there grocery stores in the neighbourhood?

him: Oh yah- there's a great butcher on the corner. I get all of my meat there...

me: Oh that's cool- but I don't really cook per se...

him: It's better than Whole Foods- all natural braised meat... the finest selection- a bit more expensive but worth it...

me: yah... I've cooked once in the last 5 months and that was heating up soup on the stove top.

him: They have the most beautiful cuts of venison...

me: Oh look um- exposed brick!


Opens on a girl and a real estate agent in a 'luxury lobby' (word 'luxury' is open to interpretation) of a downtown apartment building. The pair go up to see the 'luxury' layout.

There is no living room. It's a converted 2 bedroom- and the living room is cut in half to make a 3rd bedroom.

him: See how great it is- luxury luxury luxury!

me: There's no living room

him: It's a luxury converted 2 bedroom- THIS is the living room. (He stands in the expanded foyer)

me: That's a foyer. A large foyer granted, but it's not a living room.

him: Luxury!

me: (sighs) I'm out.

Final scene opens on a truly nice apartment. A bit small but bigger than most we've seen. It's tastefully done and seems clean and almost living up to the phrase "luxury". Girl feels hopeful as this seems like the real deal.

me: Hi! Nice to meet you. I'm Sarah!

him: Hi there. meow meow I work in investment banking meow meow - money & headge funds meow I'm so great meow meow meow

me: (cringing) Why don't you show me around the apartment and tell me a bit about it?

him: meow I have a giant screen TV with every kind of video console known to man because I make so much money posturing posturing posturing.

me: kill me now.


That was this week. Tune in next Sunday to see how I fare in round 2 of "apartment hunting in nyc".


SandyC said...

You're too funny!

Charla said...

Oh man Sarah, you make me laugh!! I feel like I can hear you saying this - tone of voice and all.